the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
