you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
