I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
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