im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
