my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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