just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize