Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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