Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
