I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
