Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
