If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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