Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
