if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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