Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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