I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
