Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
