I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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