i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
