Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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