yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
