We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
