I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
