she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My ass is underappreciated
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
