miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
