I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
