I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
