I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
