I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
