Michael Bay diarrhea
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
