come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
