if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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