I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
