saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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