I puked a lego.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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