Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
