There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
