woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
