My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
