I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
