well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Too much gin, very little bucket
Even my vagina gasped.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize