I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
