Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
