somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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