Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
