I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
