dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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