If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
