if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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