My first STD was from a foam party
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
