Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
