Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
