There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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