please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
