i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
