I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
