I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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