After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
