wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
