i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
