I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
