The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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