I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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