Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
