If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize